Romance And Touring At Odds
[Ed. Note: Andy Doerschuk originally wrote this for the August 2014 issue of DRUM!, which was devoted to the subject of touring.]
Ever notice how life can force you to choose between one thing or the other, when you actually want some of both? Unfortunately, that’s how it’s often worked when I’ve tried to strike a balance between romance and drumming. So on the occasion of this special touring issue, it seems appropriate to illustrate how those two irresistible and occasionally opposing forces can twist you into knots.
First, though, let’s all admit it isn’t easy to date a musician, especially when the better half has a normal work routine. It requires the empathy of Gandhi to accept the notion that your loved one disappears on Friday and Saturday date nights, then blows your weekend days by waking up at noon. Tension only multiplies when a musician disappears on tour for months at a time, so I hope the two of you are either deeply in love or have a great marriage counselor.
Truth be told, I had a marriage fall apart while I was on the road in 1981. I was 26 and on my very first major road trip, as my band spent the summer opening for Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers on the Hard Promises tour.
I’ve written about it before, so I’ll skip the gory details. Suffice to say that once it was
clear our relationship was over, every day became a crazy rollercoaster. In the afternoon or early evening I would realize my wildest dreams by playing for tens of thousands of people in basketball stadiums and outdoor festivals. At night, I would sulk back to my hotel room and cry in my beer.
Whoever said absence makes the heart grow fonder clearly never toured with a rock band. There are exceptions, though. I’ve known couples that have nurtured a close family life — buying houses, raising kids, going to little league games, the whole wonderful package — even while mom or dad periodically goes on tour. I wish I could tell you the secret to their success, but it always eluded me.
But there’s yet another scenario, which I’ve personally experienced only once. I was
playing with a promising young guitar prodigy who quickly gained notoriety on the west coast. One night I met a woman at a show and we hit it off. Before long we began dating and, as illustrated earlier, she came to every show in the area.
But rather than grow tired of the experience, she started traveling in the van to out-of-town gigs — always backstage, yucking it up, acting like one of the guys, having a grand old time. So was I, as a matter of fact, but my bandmates didn’t dig it. I soon got the word from the top — no girlfriends allowed in the van. The story continues from there, but for the sake of brevity let’s just say the ultimatum didn’t exactly sit well.
Under the best circumstances, romantic relationships require mutual understanding and willingness to work out differences. So if your heart is set on being a full-time touring musician, prepare to make some sacrifices at home, because that’s where every road trip will ultimately end.