Prank Calls: The “Drummer Wanted” Ad

By Stark Raving BradOriginally published in the July/August 1996 issue of DRUM! Magazine

Stark Raving Brad places a phone call to an unsuspecting party ...

SRB: Hi, I’m calling about the “drummer wanted” position.
Victim: Uh, yeah, tell me about yourself. You’re into the G’n’R, Metallica style?
Love that stuff! I just beat the crap out of my drums. There’s nothing left when I’m done but splinters and wood chips. But my other band has, like, dynamics and stuff, and I want to get into something more rockin’.
Okay, well, let me tell you a little about us. We’ve all been playing about four years – we’re fairly serious about it. We kind of have a connection right now, a friend of ours that works at Virgin Records.
And when we put together our best stuff we’re supposed to send it to him and he could literally sign us if he’s interested.
And, um, I’m very Slash-type with guitar.
We definitely would be willing to try you out.
Actually, I had a few questions. I play fluglehorn, and I’d just love to get up there and bust a big crazy stupid fluglehorn solo on one of these jams!
Uh, that would be ... interesting.
Yeah, it’s really cool. My favorite drummer does that. You know Kramer Wasdin? From the Charles Kuralt Experience?
Uh, no, never heard of ’em.
I can’t believe that. Where’d you say you live?
San Leandro.
Oh, well, that explains it.
What do you mean?
Is anyone in the band vegetarian?
I’m a vegetarian. I eat a lot of healthy, natural food, which is great, except that it gives me the wind something fierce. I’ve been known to peel off paint.
Oh great. We practice in a pretty small room with no windows.
Well, then, you’re going to be suckin’ Satanic vapors, ’cause I’m packin’. My last band hated me. They nicknamed me “Pompeii.”
Now then, you want to play live and stuff?
Hopefully a lot more. Yeah.
Because I get stage fright pretty bad sometimes.
Oh yeah?
Yeah. This one time ... I wet myself.
Jesus, guy ... damn, that’s nervous.
Funny thing was, I kind of enjoyed it! The other guys were pretty cool about it. They’re really supportive, which is critical for me. I’m extremely sensitive to criticism. So the guys developed a good way to bring up their issues with me.
[long pause] And what’s that?
They took to leaving politely-phrased notes on my windshield. With a flower.
No way.
On “Hello Kitty” stationery.
You’re kidding me.
No, seriously, good communication is very important. Not all bands do things the same way, of course, and I haven’t even met your band yet.
Yeah, um, we should get together and jam sometime, I guess.
Well, I’m busy this weekend, but call me Monday at 415-555-9933.
Yeah, so I’ll, uh, call you next week, I guess.
Jeez, don’t sound so sure!
No, no, no. I’m just ... something on my mind.
All right, so I’ll talk to you next week!
All right, yeah, all right. Then, uh, take it easy.
Hey, you too. Hello!
Nothing, just a different way of saying goodbye, you know?
Uh yeah, whatever.
All righty then, talk to you soon. Later!